Do you know what love is? There are many descriptions out there that range from the biblical to worldly views of how love is defined, but when it comes down to it, love is a verb. It is the
choice to act for the benefit of another individual, and caring about the happiness of someone else without any thought for what we might get for ourselves. Most people tend to include the affection they have for someone with their perception (personal judgment) of what love is because it is what we learn growing up. But affection is separate from the act of love, although, not always mutually exclusive. So then, what is
true love, and can love actually be true?
The word
true is described as being loyal, faithful, steadfast, exact, precise, accurate, correct, genuine, authentic, sincere, not deceitful, reliable, and unfailing. Yet all of these words used to describe the word "True" are also verbs. (In case you forgot since graduating, a verb is an action word lol) So then it is safe to say that true love is probably not an emotion at all, yet often we hear someone saying they are in true love, or their true love has finally come along. The state of being
"in love" is closer to the type of love we learn to want and seek
from our peers and society, but just because you experience those
emotions, does not mean that you will be happy or that you have actually
encountered a "true love."
The love we learn from the world through our peers and society, in general, is
carnal love. It has traits of possession, envy, lust for the flesh outside the
marriage, despondency, underhandedness, lack of trust, and much more. Yet, it is the kind of love that we see on TV, in the movies, we hear it on the radio, and we see it all around us every day. For example, a woman who says she is in love with someone because he spoils her with gifts and takes her out to fancy places, or a man who says he is in love because she has an amazing body and he can't stop thinking about her. Passion and pleasure do not equal love, and if you are building your relationship with another person on them, you will eventually experience the heart break that is doomed to end that relationship.
How did we get everything so confused? True love—
unconditional love— is
very different from the kind of love most of us have known all our
lives. We all like to think we know what love is, but it is difficult to
fully understand something that you haven't personally experienced. Similar to someone telling you how to get somewhere but not giving you a map or exact directions. So
if most of us haven't experienced true love, it is difficult to know how to find it when we don't
even have the correct frame of reference for it.
By now, you are probably thinking the whole prospect of finding love sounds a bit more like guesswork than an exact science. But if you are basing your concept of love on your "perception" of what love is to you, from your experiences thus far, then you are most likely having difficulty finding the happiness you believe love will bring to your life. Much like picking up a handful of sand and thinking you will be able to retain every grain of sand without losing any. If you have ever picked up sand, you know how difficult it is to not lose as least a few grains. So it is with our concept of love...
Going back to the quote I wrote that started this particular blog entry,
"True love of one's soul (spiritual) binds your tongue when needed most. Carnal love (sexual) not only let's the tongue run wild, it encourages it," it might be wise to dig a little deeper here. So in an effort to better convey my thoughts behind this quote, I thought it would be smart to focus more on the "spiritual" and "carnal" states of being, rather than the concept of love itself. I am going to start with the carnal state of being first so we can end this on a positive note with information about the spiritual state of being.
In the dictionary, "carnal love" connotes derogatorily an action or manifestation of a person's lower nature , and carnal is defined as;
a : relating to or given to crude bodily pleasures and appetites
b : marked by sexuality <carnal love>
The carnal aspect of our being seeks gratification of a bodily desire or pleasure, commonly implying sexual appetite with the absence of spirituality or intellect. It is
the basic physical, animal existence as distinguished from the rational nature of a person. Quite simply put, Carnal love is sexual gratification without emotions or intimate connection involved.
Our carnal side wants to give into the desires of the flesh without regard to the spiritual needs of the soul, and that desire is fed daily by what we see and hear.
To clarify here, I'm not implying that a sexual relationship is bad because it can exist with spiritual love in an intimate relationship. Sexual relationships can create passion as well as ignite romance with your partner.. But on the other hand, sexuality is also a source of destruction and negativity that are the causes of a myriad of problems in society. Sex is a creative force that moves through the body, feeding the emotions and thoughts and creating the impulse of desire. It is pleasure in its raw and unrefined states and if that energy is not understood and used in the right way, it is the cause of dissatisfaction, destruction and overall unhappiness in our lives.
"Passions break out, pleasures overflow; beauty fades, and falls quicker than the leaf on the ground, when the amorous storms of lust blow on it before the coming of autumn, and is withered by destruction." ~ From the book Ante-Nicene Fathers Volume II
Have you ever noticed how many ads on TV and magazines use sex to get the attention of the viewers? It seems it is everywhere, even in ads on networks supposedly targeting our youth. The media seems to promote carnal living, removing any spiritual influences to avoid conflict, while leaving out the ultimate consequences of leading a carnal lifestyle. The use of sex in advertising can be highly overt or extremely subtle and it ranges from relatively explicit displays of sexual acts, to the use of basic cosmetics to enhance attractive features. Not long ago, in the waiting room at a Doctors office, I saw an ad for a shower gel in a magazine that showed a man and a woman who were nude in a shower, creatively posing them in such a way to hide the "taboo" areas of the body. The imagery was intended to imply that you can have carnal fun in the shower if you use this shower gel. It didn't say anything about the product itself or what it was made from, but the imagery painted a loud picture of carnal desire.
In the arena of print ads are various companies who are marketing a product that has nothing to do with sex, however the ads imply sexuality. Burger King has an ad for a sandwich called the BK 7 incher showing a
woman with her mouth open and an over sized sandwich in front of her
with the caption "It will blow your mind away."
Samsung has an ad with a nude woman and the caption "True beauty is curved" to advertise a laptop. Diesel Jeans has an ad showing a young topless girl (she has her bra on) straddling a shirtless boy and smiling, while he is staring at her chest with the caption, "Sex Sells, unfortunately we sell jeans." JBS Mens Underwear has an ad showing a woman in a french maid uniform that is partially off and one of her legs propped up on a bed (almost showing her crotch) and she is sniffing a pair of men's underwear (no caption, just the company logo). And last, but not least, Nikon has an ad for their face detection technology which shows 2 young girls in a bra and underwear posing on a bed with each other. But there is hope! We now have something called Retail Therapy and it offers helpful advise to avoid giving into sex in advertising.
Another topic I would like to cover on the subject of carnal love is the increasing membership on internet dating sites. So many have become frustrated at the difficulty in finding a companion the traditional way that they end up signing up for a membership on an internet dating site, hoping to find someone who is their perfect match. Among them are match.com, eHarmony.com, and even a few Christian dating sites saying don't wait on God. eHarmony advertises regularly on TV claiming that you can take their test and their software will match you up with several possibilities that have the potential to be your perfect companion. The problem I see with that is many people don't answer those questionnaires honestly. So while you are thinking you may have a potential match, it could be based on mis-information and deception, and proving inaccurate information is more difficult on the internet than it is if you are face to face and personally interacting with this person. While traditional dating offers the potential of meeting friends and family members who can give you a better idea of what this person is like, internet dating limits your informational input to only what that person tells you.
There are many issues with online dating that need to be considered. The biggest one I have found is that often the picture displayed is not that of the person behind the profile or it is an older picture or one that has been digitally altered. Other issues would include married people using a dating site saying they are single when what they are seeking is an extramarital affair, people with criminal records or sexually transmitted diseases, and con artists who are seeking a naive person whom they can take advantage of. I once ran into a guy who was using an internet dating site to meet multiple women that he could get personal information from so he could steal their identity, thus ruining their credit and claiming income taxes under their names with a fake address.
The world at large seems to present the carnal nature of man to be acceptable, even encouraged in some societies. And with all the technology we have today, instant gratification is at our fingertips. Whether on the TV, the internet, or on the magazine isle at the store, we regularly see advertising that encourages us to seek instant gratification. And with the lax standards of our current media, soft pornography and recreational drugs are shown in regular programming, as if to say it's ok to take part, it makes you cool and brings you happiness like the people you see in the ads. So is it any wonder why so many people are finding disappointment in their pursuit of love?
When it comes to carnal love, there is always some form of expectation attached and it is conditional. On the other hand, spiritual love is unconditional, no matter what the
circumstances are. Spiritual love is based on the immortal soul within all of us, and it is what creates true intimacy in a relationship. So here is where we shift the tone of this post and explore "spiritual love" as it applies to a romantic relationship. This is also where I had to pause my writing for a few months to deal with a personal situation that became clearer as a result of writing on this particular topic. Writing is a form of emotional and spiritual therapy for me because not only am I allowed to creatively express myself, I also grow and learn in the process.
So after reading this far, if you are feeling a bit dismayed about your current intimate relationship, I hope you are also feeling enlightened and can find a way to either repair your current relationship, or find the courage to let go and move on to something that is better for you. Ultimately, the best relationship for you will be someone who brings out the best in you and always considers your thoughts, feelings, and needs.
"Spiritual Love" is a higher minded function that may at times include physical interaction, however it is focused on the non physical aspects of any relationship.Since my topic is in the Fire Element, I will focus on how Spiritual Love pertains to our intimate and romantic relationships. Here are some descriptions of how to identify spiritual love and help you to divine whether or not your current intimate relationship is more carnal or spiritual, based on whether it has these components.
- Considering your partners needs and feelings as you would your own.
- Being prepared to make sacrifices when appropriate.
- Making modifications in daily routines just to spend some quality time with your partner.
- Ignoring the shortcomings and mistakes of your partner.
- Modifying your behavior to show respect in all situations.
- Not feeling any hesitation in sharing your thoughts with your partner.
- Feeling happy in their moments of joy and shedding tears at their moments of sadness.
See anything missing in your current intimate relationship? Keep in mind that this is the short list, but what I believe are some of the most important aspects of a Spiritual Love relationship. For those who have religious beliefs and values that they live, your definition of Spiritual Love will have even more defining points, and possibly even some restrictions that are designed to help keep you focused on building your relationship with God as well as your companion. For those who do not have any specific spiritual beliefs, this concept might be a bit more difficult to comprehend how it applies to their lives. Nevertheless, without a spiritual connection that the 2 of you can nurture and grow together, the relationship may show signs of fading or deterioration at some point, leaving you to make a decision between staying in a lack luster relationship or moving on without that person. If you should decide to stay (and if you are married I highly advocate doing everything you can, within reason) and work things out, there are some things you will need to consider, both of you.
It helps to realize that there is a difference between what we want and what we need. You may be saying duh, but when emotions are involved it's easy to move some of those wants to the needs list, especially when we feel like our real needs aren't being met and our desires are being ignored. And the only way to be able to identify those better for yourself is to have a sense of your own spirituality, values, and morals. This is essential if you are to have a lasting relationship with someone that is built on something that is ever growing and improving. Also, your level of self esteem and confidence in your ability to function as an equal partner in a relationship is something that should be strong before entering into a relationship. A person with a compromised self esteem, for what ever reason, will be less likely to understand how to have a healthy relationship with you and if you choose to enter into a relationship under those conditions, it should be addressed in a conversation and healthy boundaries set to help both parties cope with the shortcoming.
Five tips to working it out:
1. Expect this
2. Give a little
3. Now, here, this
4. Dig Deep
5. Talk it out
It's important to have good communication skills in a relationship. This doesn't mean you have to talk a lot, although some people do lol. It just means that you should have a decent understanding of how to speak to someone and how to not just listen to them, but hear and comprehend what they are saying. Since we are all a work in progress and at various stages of growth, the focus here is to find someone you are compatible with and can communicate on the same level as your are. The best way to find someone like that is to focus on building friendships without intimacy and learn more about each other without the set backs of one or the other doing or saying thing to impress or avoid causing the other person to step back out of concern or fear.
Let's face it, fear is a major motivator when it comes to getting into a relationship. People tend to be less guarded around a friend than they are when with someone they have affection for. It's less intimidating and the pressure to impress isn't as strong, especially if both are candid with each other and build trust and confidence in each other. So while the romance and all the fluffy feelings are great to feel, and I advocate romance, if you are to ever have something that is lasting and fulfilling it is important you learn to curb those physical passions early on. If you really want to get to know someone, climbing into bed with them isn't the answer, it just complicates things and/or dooms it to being a simple and superficial connection.
I hope this long winded post has found friendly eyes and gives a bit of hope to those out there seeking "True Love" because it isn't a myth, it just takes work!
REFERENCE SITES:
"When you stop being emotionally invested in the chaos the truth reveals itself." ~ Shelley Williams
